PUNIONS

I'm sorry, I can't beat that title. I'm done.

IGNORE THE DISTURBING FUZZY UNDERCARRIAGE

Peachface

Have I mentioned how weird the requests I get are?

Yeah.

This one is my friend, as a peach.

Reading Time with Pickle

Based on the Regina Spektor song, 'Reading Time with Pickle'.
Don't expect it to make much more sense having heard the lyrics, though.
Listen to the song for context!

Ain't she ADORABLE.

Hugs + cake = eternal loneliness?

It's another request. I took it in a fairly depressing direction...

Beeeeees?!

Arrested Development, one of the best TV shows ever created (FACT) is being brought back for a fourth season THIS MONTH. In my excitement, I drew a lot of Arrested Development things. This is one of them.

If you haven't seen Arrested Development, do it. Now.

A bizarre combination of the 'BEES?!' joke and the 'Banana Stand' joke. I apologise if you haven't seen Arrested Development and you don't get it. Actually, I apologise if you have seen Arrested Development and you still don't get it.

Dolphinana RETURNS

DOLPHINANA, FRUIT OF THE SEAS

Swimming in the Banarctic Oceanana 

Veg Week, Part VII

And finally...

Splinter Cell Broccoli

All of these were done by request, so if anyone wants anything drawn, feel free to ask me or comment on here. I'll probably do it, because I have nothing better to do :)

AND BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH

Veg Week, Part VI

And then I moved on to video games (by request)

Don't get spud. Get even.
Ezio, from Assassin's Creed ,as a potato

Veg Week, Part V

And of course, it's not a run-through of historical figures without...
Hitlercarrot!

Veg Week, Part IV

Ignore the huge rack, I was feeling generous.
Queen Vicky as a lettuce!

Veg Week, Part III

"Neep" being the Scottish for turnip. Obscure puns are the best.
Stalin as a turnip!

Veg Week, Part II

Happy New Year everyone! My New Year's Resolution is to continue with Veg Week.. And I'm already doing it. YES.

A request from a friend:
Asparagandhi.

Veg Week, Part I

Vegetables. As long as they've been around, we've had an obsession with them. Whether it's carving faces into pumpkins at Halloween, or playing the traditional Christmas game of "hide the carrot in grandad", we do love to play with our food. With that in mind, I've recently found a somewhat niche talent for depicting well-known figures through veg. I know, I'm so employable.

This week, I fancy treating you all to my efforts, for which I definitely deserve a celery...

It all started with a doodle from year 12 history lessons that I decided to turn into a proper drawing:
Robespierre, French Revolutionary, as a potato.

Christmas... A time of loving, sharing, giving, and unicorn faeces.

It's Christmas! Now that you've eaten everything possible, and you're lying near-comatose on the sofa watching absolutely dire Christmas TV, I thought I'd treat you to something a little special.

Having run out of money for Christmas presents this year, I had to go all primary school on my loved ones and give the gift of baking. Now, I'm not going to be all modest and humble here - I bake like a boss, so realistically, my family and friends got a much better deal than they would have done if I had bought them socks and ties like the original plan. 

However, I just thought that, in the spirit of giving, and in the incredibly British Christmas tradition of showing off (I'm sure all of you will have had at least one of those "my family is so bloody fantastic we put Bill Gates to shame" letters) I present to you one of my proudest moments:

The Unicorn Poop Cookie.

The official label, because the Food Standards Agency required one, obviously.

Given to my good friend Lucy as a Secret Santa present.

Begin with six bowls full of e-numbers...

Chop into chunklets!

Roll into worms!

Stack the worms!

MORE WORMS!

WORRRRRMMMS!

RAINBOW WORMS!

Delicious AND scientifically accurate. Sometimes, you can have it all.

Roll into one giant worm...

Twist...

Make one end all pointy like...

...And coil into a perfect poo.

TA DA! Unicorn poo, fresh from the... arse oven?

Here you can see the addition of sprinkles, glitter and a very hungry gal.

And, of course, the recipe:

A few points:
American sugar cookie dough is used for this recipe. It's firmer and more workable than British cookie dough, which tends to be fairly gloopy, but you need a dough that will hold its shape and NOT SPREAD IN THE OVEN - or else you get the result of a unicorn with digestion problems.
I would also highly recommend gel food colouring - more expensive than liquid, but actually lasts SO MUCH LONGER, and you get beautifully vibrant and slightly hyperactive colours like this. Awesome.
I've also used US measurements (cups) because I realised that cups are so much easier to deal with than scales, but feel free to use an online converter if you prefer.
I also decorated with edible glitter (seriously guys, EDIBLE, don't skimp on this or you'll be spewing sequins for days) and sprinkles, but you can customise any way you like - silver sugar balls, stars, or just leave 'em plain. Up to you!

3 cups flour
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup caster sugar
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt


Preheat the oven to 175C.
Cream the butter and sugar until pale and fluffy.
Beat in the egg and vanilla.
Sift in the flour and salt.

Here's the tricky part:
Roll the dough out on a floured surface (you can also use wax paper).
Cut as evenly as you can into the number of different colours you're using.
Mix in the colours.
Divide each coloured piece of dough into about eight (you can do more, for smaller cookies).
Roll out each bit of dough into a worm about four-six inches long.
Add the next piece of dough (see pictures above) and so on.
Squidge all the bits together and roll into one big worm.
Twist the opposite ends with the flat of your hand in opposite directions to get a nice swirl of colour.
Pinch the end to make it pointy. This is the top.
Coil into a nice poo shape!

Bake in the oven on a greased tray for 6-10 minutes. They should be firm, browned on the bottom, but not the top.
Leave to cool, and then decorate to your heart's content!

Love you all, and a very merry Unicorn-filled Christmas to you all!

BONUS:

How Not To Bake

Following on from the Rainbow Cake and the Cookie Pie, I bring you my own recipe (although variations on it did exist already, but I didn't know that until afterwards):

JAFFA CAKE CUPCAKES

This cake appeared to me in a dream (no kidding) and I decided to make it EVEN THOUGH I WAS MID-EXAM SEASON. Yeah, no need to thank me, you are WELCOME.

Warning: The recipe will take up a few hours, but that's ok, since you'll be richly rewarded.

Ingredients:

• 150g softened butter

• 150g caster sugar

• 3 eggs

• 175g self-raising flour, sifted

• Zest of 1 orange

• 50g chocolate chips

• Red & yellow food colouring (optional!)

• 
  

• Topping:

• Dark Chocolate

• A little bit of butter

• Orange jelly

2 hours before you make the cakes, make up the jelly with HALF the water it needs

Pour a little bit of the jelly mixture into either a muffin tin or similar, or into cupcake cases, so that you have about half a centimetre of jelly at the bottom.

Preheat oven to 180C/Gas Mark 6

Cream the sugar and the butter

Add an egg, then a spoonful of flour, repeat until all the eggs are used

Add the rest of the flour

Fold in the chocolate chips and the orange zest (and food colouring if you like it orange)

Divide mixture between however many cake cases it fills

Bake for 10-15 mins, stick a skewer in to see if they're done

Leave to cool for half an hour (VERY IMPORTANT)

Melt the chocolate and a tablespoon of butter either in a bowl over a pan of boiling water OR in the microwave, with 30 seconds, then vigorous stirring, then 10-second blasts (don't burn it!)

Turn out the jelly to top each cake, making sure that the cake is cool so the jelly doesn't melt

Top with the melted dark chocolate

EAT ALL THE CAKES

PS I've been tweaking this recipe, since it's been a bit hit-and-miss for me, if you have any problems let me know and I'll look into it!

There's not mushroom for changing my mind

Originally drawn to be part of a series of 'foods that suck and need to die', I bring you: Floor Food. The kind of food where people will eat it happily while paying no attention to the fact that it has probably been peed on at some point in its life. Don't get me wrong, salad is great, but salad dressing exists for the sole reason of disguising the taste of sweaty caterpillar feet, right?

I hate floor food.

We are making a Cookie Pie

You may have noticed my tendency to go a little overboard on the baking (see Rainbow Cake for details). Browsing American baking websites led me to the discovery of one of the best culinary combinations since slicing and bread: The Cookie Pie. Naturally, I had to try it.

You take a ridiculous amount of kitchenware...

And an oven... 

Bake until it looks, you know, not raw

Serve warm with ice cream. If you can wait that long.

I made three over the course of three days, which I thought was too many.
This is the cookie pie after about five minutes.
Three wasn't enough.

Recipe Time: You Know You Want To Be Fat

I'll admit I bought ready-made pastry. You should, too, to save time on the prep and make more time for EATING EVERYTHING

Other than that, it's a pretty standard cookie recipe, but the one I used promises chewy results:

• 250g plain flour
• 1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 170g unsalted butter, softened
• 200g dark brown soft sugar
• 100g caster sugar
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg
• 1 egg yolk
• 325g chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 170C/Gas Mark 3

Grease or line baking trays

Sift dry ingredients together (flour, salt & baking powder)

Cream the butter and both the sugars

Beat in the vanilla and the eggs

Mix in your floury stuff

Stir in the chocolate chips and try not to accidentally eat most of them

Line the cake tins or pie tins with your rolled out pastry, and spoon the tasty cookie dough into the middle

Cooking times is difficult... It took me about 45-55 minutes, so I'd recommend trying 30 mins and checking every 5-10 minutes. Well... I wouldn't recommend it, it's not fun, but I did it and they tasted goooood.

Remember not to over-bake them; they should look done but are still a little bit soft in the middle, but DON'T PUT THEM BACK IN. Take them out when they look nearly done and they'll be fine. They won't be chewy if you leave them to cook any more than they need to!

I love food I do

Han So-Low In Calories

Han Solo in carbonite?
Han Solo in MARMITE.

Fly, Butter!

Being honest - my first concept focused on the "butt" bit. Thought it wasn't really as nice to look at