Christmas... A time of loving, sharing, giving, and unicorn faeces.

It's Christmas! Now that you've eaten everything possible, and you're lying near-comatose on the sofa watching absolutely dire Christmas TV, I thought I'd treat you to something a little special.

Having run out of money for Christmas presents this year, I had to go all primary school on my loved ones and give the gift of baking. Now, I'm not going to be all modest and humble here - I bake like a boss, so realistically, my family and friends got a much better deal than they would have done if I had bought them socks and ties like the original plan. 

However, I just thought that, in the spirit of giving, and in the incredibly British Christmas tradition of showing off (I'm sure all of you will have had at least one of those "my family is so bloody fantastic we put Bill Gates to shame" letters) I present to you one of my proudest moments:

The Unicorn Poop Cookie.

The official label, because the Food Standards Agency required one, obviously.

Given to my good friend Lucy as a Secret Santa present.

Begin with six bowls full of e-numbers...

Chop into chunklets!

Roll into worms!

Stack the worms!

MORE WORMS!

WORRRRRMMMS!

RAINBOW WORMS!

Delicious AND scientifically accurate. Sometimes, you can have it all.

Roll into one giant worm...

Twist...

Make one end all pointy like...

...And coil into a perfect poo.

TA DA! Unicorn poo, fresh from the... arse oven?

Here you can see the addition of sprinkles, glitter and a very hungry gal.

And, of course, the recipe:

A few points:
American sugar cookie dough is used for this recipe. It's firmer and more workable than British cookie dough, which tends to be fairly gloopy, but you need a dough that will hold its shape and NOT SPREAD IN THE OVEN - or else you get the result of a unicorn with digestion problems.
I would also highly recommend gel food colouring - more expensive than liquid, but actually lasts SO MUCH LONGER, and you get beautifully vibrant and slightly hyperactive colours like this. Awesome.
I've also used US measurements (cups) because I realised that cups are so much easier to deal with than scales, but feel free to use an online converter if you prefer.
I also decorated with edible glitter (seriously guys, EDIBLE, don't skimp on this or you'll be spewing sequins for days) and sprinkles, but you can customise any way you like - silver sugar balls, stars, or just leave 'em plain. Up to you!

3 cups flour
1 cup unsalted butter
1 cup caster sugar
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 tsp salt


Preheat the oven to 175C.
Cream the butter and sugar until pale and fluffy.
Beat in the egg and vanilla.
Sift in the flour and salt.

Here's the tricky part:
Roll the dough out on a floured surface (you can also use wax paper).
Cut as evenly as you can into the number of different colours you're using.
Mix in the colours.
Divide each coloured piece of dough into about eight (you can do more, for smaller cookies).
Roll out each bit of dough into a worm about four-six inches long.
Add the next piece of dough (see pictures above) and so on.
Squidge all the bits together and roll into one big worm.
Twist the opposite ends with the flat of your hand in opposite directions to get a nice swirl of colour.
Pinch the end to make it pointy. This is the top.
Coil into a nice poo shape!

Bake in the oven on a greased tray for 6-10 minutes. They should be firm, browned on the bottom, but not the top.
Leave to cool, and then decorate to your heart's content!

Love you all, and a very merry Unicorn-filled Christmas to you all!

BONUS:

Where have you BEEN?!

The more observant of you may have noticed that I haven't posted for two months. Now, I know that you've probably all spent that time wailing and mourning my absence, so I thought I had best explain myself.

You see, I've been doing REAL ART.

I can't even say how happy I am that doing a ridiculous pun/drawing blog for two and a half years has actually improved my drawing. I realise that I'm no Leo Da Vinci, or even half as good as any other proper artists out there, but just to know that practice actually does help has given me confidence to do a whole load of new things with my life (coming soon: How Not To Bake?!)

I now present to you my poster designs for a Jazz Orchestra Christmas gig at my University:

Thank you so much to everyone who has followed me over the past two and a half years, and I hope I can keep on updating when I can... Until I get a proper job, at least!

How Not To Bake

Following on from the Rainbow Cake and the Cookie Pie, I bring you my own recipe (although variations on it did exist already, but I didn't know that until afterwards):

JAFFA CAKE CUPCAKES

This cake appeared to me in a dream (no kidding) and I decided to make it EVEN THOUGH I WAS MID-EXAM SEASON. Yeah, no need to thank me, you are WELCOME.

Warning: The recipe will take up a few hours, but that's ok, since you'll be richly rewarded.

Ingredients:

• 150g softened butter

• 150g caster sugar

• 3 eggs

• 175g self-raising flour, sifted

• Zest of 1 orange

• 50g chocolate chips

• Red & yellow food colouring (optional!)

• 
  

• Topping:

• Dark Chocolate

• A little bit of butter

• Orange jelly

2 hours before you make the cakes, make up the jelly with HALF the water it needs

Pour a little bit of the jelly mixture into either a muffin tin or similar, or into cupcake cases, so that you have about half a centimetre of jelly at the bottom.

Preheat oven to 180C/Gas Mark 6

Cream the sugar and the butter

Add an egg, then a spoonful of flour, repeat until all the eggs are used

Add the rest of the flour

Fold in the chocolate chips and the orange zest (and food colouring if you like it orange)

Divide mixture between however many cake cases it fills

Bake for 10-15 mins, stick a skewer in to see if they're done

Leave to cool for half an hour (VERY IMPORTANT)

Melt the chocolate and a tablespoon of butter either in a bowl over a pan of boiling water OR in the microwave, with 30 seconds, then vigorous stirring, then 10-second blasts (don't burn it!)

Turn out the jelly to top each cake, making sure that the cake is cool so the jelly doesn't melt

Top with the melted dark chocolate

EAT ALL THE CAKES

PS I've been tweaking this recipe, since it's been a bit hit-and-miss for me, if you have any problems let me know and I'll look into it!

We are making a Cookie Pie

You may have noticed my tendency to go a little overboard on the baking (see Rainbow Cake for details). Browsing American baking websites led me to the discovery of one of the best culinary combinations since slicing and bread: The Cookie Pie. Naturally, I had to try it.

You take a ridiculous amount of kitchenware...

And an oven... 

Bake until it looks, you know, not raw

Serve warm with ice cream. If you can wait that long.

I made three over the course of three days, which I thought was too many.
This is the cookie pie after about five minutes.
Three wasn't enough.

Recipe Time: You Know You Want To Be Fat

I'll admit I bought ready-made pastry. You should, too, to save time on the prep and make more time for EATING EVERYTHING

Other than that, it's a pretty standard cookie recipe, but the one I used promises chewy results:

• 250g plain flour
• 1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 170g unsalted butter, softened
• 200g dark brown soft sugar
• 100g caster sugar
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 egg
• 1 egg yolk
• 325g chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 170C/Gas Mark 3

Grease or line baking trays

Sift dry ingredients together (flour, salt & baking powder)

Cream the butter and both the sugars

Beat in the vanilla and the eggs

Mix in your floury stuff

Stir in the chocolate chips and try not to accidentally eat most of them

Line the cake tins or pie tins with your rolled out pastry, and spoon the tasty cookie dough into the middle

Cooking times is difficult... It took me about 45-55 minutes, so I'd recommend trying 30 mins and checking every 5-10 minutes. Well... I wouldn't recommend it, it's not fun, but I did it and they tasted goooood.

Remember not to over-bake them; they should look done but are still a little bit soft in the middle, but DON'T PUT THEM BACK IN. Take them out when they look nearly done and they'll be fine. They won't be chewy if you leave them to cook any more than they need to!

Cheer up, sad people!

You know those days that happen every once in a while? The ones that make you want to gorge yourself on Wotsits in bed all day? Mmmm, that's what the last two weeks have been like.

As I lick the neon orange Wotsit dust from my hands, it occurs to me: people need cheering up.

So, to take a brief break from the Move On Up series, I would like to present to you:

Some Things, What I Didn't Make, But What Will Cheer You Up


http://buttersafe.com/2012/02/14/cupids-arrow/
http://buttersafe.com/2011/11/01/camping-trip/
http://buttersafe.com/2011/12/01/piano-performance/
http://buttersafe.com/2011/12/06/unicorns/
http://buttersafe.com/2012/01/26/dig-dog/
It's very hard to decide which one of Buttersafe I like the best, so here are some nice ones for your eyes.

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2349
SCIENCE.

http://www.epbot.com/2010/09/money-money-money.html
Shiny things cheer up everyone!

http://www.awful-drawings.com/
Some small but entertaining things about life.

http://www.killmydaynow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Random-Funny-Pictures-Part-105_44.jpg
Radiobread are excellent for bun puns.

http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/funny-kitten.jpg
Awwwww.

http://www.hdhumor.com/2011/01/facebook-apocalypse-avoided.html
Zombie humour - it takes brains.

http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com
The most incredible insight into a strange man's sleepbrain.

http://pbfcomics.com/
AAAAAAAAAAAAAALL of this.

I like rainbows.

APOLOGIES for the lack of anything last week, a massive failure on my behalf there, I am apparently unable to use technology.

By way of apology, and to make up for what I'm sure was a traumatic week for all of you, I've got something a bit different. In case you weren't aware, I'm not just a recluse sitting in a dark room wrapped in a sleeved blanket soaked in tears while I fritter away the hours drawing food with faces... I do actually, occasionally branch out a little bit. And this is the result of that.

This is how it started.

POIPLE!

GREEEEN!

YELLOLLOW!

ORANGE!

RED!

Which became this...

Mmmm cakey.

You'd never know about the WONDERS INSIDE.

Words can't describe how happy I was that the rainbow pattern was so equal. Mmmm perfectionist.

The sexiest cake you will ever see.

And the reveal...

Oh sexy rainbow cake. I love you.

The most beautiful slice of cake you will ever see.

Needless to say, it went pretty quickly. Although one slice was roughly equivalent to eating an entire Victoria Sponge...

Check out those rainbow crumbs!

This happened at some point too... Moomin & unicorn... which pretty much sums up my life.

And I got the opportunity to paint a pig!

Plus more rainbows... Plus a pot of GOOOOOOLD!

Pig bum.

And a cloud! Fluffy wuffy.

This is my piggy bank collection. The two piggies are hand-painted by moi truly. 

How to make RAINBOW CAKE!

Cake

500g self raising flour

500g butter

500g caster sugar

10 eggs (I KNOW)

Gel/Paste food colouring (it's brighter than liquid food colouring, but expensive... I paid £3.25 for one colour, but I was clever and bought 4, then mixed to make other colours...)

Preheat oven to 160C fan/180C/Gas Mark 4.

Cream butter & sugar.

Add eggs one at a time with a bit of flour.

Add all the flour. There's a lot of it. Sorry.

Separate into LOTS of bowls, add food colouring, giggle happily at all the pretty colours.

Fill as many cake tins as you have.

Bake for 18-20 mins (don't worry about a bit of crispiness...)

Check the middle with a skewer, if it comes out clean, you're done!

Filling

200g butter (SOFTENED. Don't make the mistake we made of using hard butter. We are idiots.)

600g icing sugar

4tbsp milk

Mix all the things. 

Put in middle of cake... and on cake!

ENJOY :D

As the French say: bof

At my primary school, we had a special day every year to celebrate all things French. Yes, while other schools were concerning themselves with important events like anniversaries of stuff and whatever the Queen was up to, we were just pratting around having fun with all that is good about the Gauls.

The general idea was that every pupil would dress up as a famous or celebrated Frenchperson. However, bearing in mind that we a) didn't really know what this 'France' place was at that stage, and b) we were far too young to appreciate how amazing Coco Chanel was, it was largely under the jurisdiction and sewing machines of our beloved parents. 

Some of their choices were political - gosh, doesn't little Henry look like Jacques Chirac? - many were sports related - one boy, poor thing, came to school in full scuba gear - but some were the obvious attempts by parents to be a little, how shall we say... different.

I was one of the victims of such individuality.

Now, bearing in mind that I was blonde (not any more), short (even shorter than now) and a girl (in case you weren't aware), and not at all blessed with the delicate insouciance and long-stemmed Gauloise of any decent Frenchwoman, I believe my mother was at a little bit of a loss. No Parisian looked anything like me, no southern paysanne had my pale English complexion, and I definitely couldn't pull off Jacques Chirac.

So my mother dressed me as Asterix.

Yes, Asterix, the moustached, helmet-wearing, strength-potion-swilling protector of the Gauls against the Romans.

Needless to say, I wasn't pleased.

The year after, I wore a fake fur coat and pearls and pretended to know who Coco Chanel was.

Badger Number 4!

Well, this is it, folks: my last badger. And no, that's not a euphemism, but damn, it's hard to put 'badger' in a sentence without it sounding vaguely sexual.

So, take a look at this hairy badger.

And since I'm quite enjoying this scanning business (how not to draw FOR REALZ!) there will be another appearance of stuff what I have done IRL at another point, later in time. And it's good. It made me cry with laughter, and since that doesn't happen much, since I have the emotional capabilities of a sponge, you KNOW it's gonna be good.