Let's nerd it up, baby

So let's break that awkward silence, baby. It's been too long and we both know there's something going on here.

Let's make sweet blogs together.

For all you people in Exeter, this may strike you as a little bit lazy, so I apologize, but you should read it anyway because NOW IT HAS PICTURES!


10 game features that would be AWESOME in real life
(as seen in Exeposé, University of Exeter newspaper)

1. Mushrooms.  Because they already look awesome, and it would be pretty useful to have a foodstuff that made you triple in size. Moving house? Have a mushroom and get it done in half the time. Going to the gym? Impress the beefy guys who last week hung you upside down from a coat hook. And if you manage to find a green one, you get a free pass to jump under a bus (to see what it feels like).

Artist's impression.

2. Permanently clean clothes. Do you ever see Peach doing Mario’s laundry? No. The reason for this (other than the fact that she’s always with Bowser, the hussy) is clear: Mario’s little plumber outfit is STAINPROOF. A very useful feature in modern-day life where spaghetti sauce is always out to get you.

You don't fool me, slut.

3. Mario Kart boxes. So, the guy behind you is driving like an idiot, trying to overtake on corners, flipping you off when he thinks you’re not looking. Imagine you could take him down a peg with something as simple as a banana skin. The same goes for that 150-year-old guy in front of you who refuses to go any faster than snail’s pace – just chuck a shell his way and speed away.

KAPOW. Also good for races.

4. Item music. When you finally find that folder full of all your notes that you’ve been looking for all term, don’t you sometimes wish you could have a nice little triumphant fanfare to announce how happy you are? So it’s not a Dungeon Map or a Master Sword, but let’s face it, it’s as exciting as your life gets.

Da-da-daaaa!

5. Money in the grass. Student loans would never be an issue again if you could make a tenner just by mowing the lawn. Or running into strangers’ houses and smashing all their pots, for that matter.

'We have to stop keeping our valuables in pots...'

6. Epona’s Song. It’s a long walk up Cardiac Hill, it’s raining, you were up until 3AM in Arena the night before, and you ate too many bacon rolls this morning. Assuming you have an ocarina to hand - which you should - you need never walk again, for your pony-slave is always on hand to save the day.

Hither, pony-slave!

7.The courting system behind Harvest Moon. Easier for boys – just give a girl a flower or an egg every day and she’ll love you forever, especially if the climax of the present-giving is a FEATHER – and potentially quite money-saving for girls, too. Tell him your favourite item is chocolate or expensive clothes rather than cheese or wool, though.

If you're really good looking, he keeps his milk in the back ;)

8. The Portal gun. Another time-saver for you lazy people, but don’t misuse it to raid other people’s rooms or make a shortcut to the fridge. Who am I kidding… I know I would.

Can be used to play physics tricks on your drunk girlfriend.

9. Getting rewarded for how much damage you cause to other people’s cars. Burnout was a great game for this very reason. Career mode is all very well and good, but nothing beats causing hundreds of dollars’ worth of carnage. Perhaps this wouldn’t make a better world, but no longer would the phrase ‘Mum, I’ve totalled the car’ strike fear into the hearts of many.

A world where insurance companies pay out high fives.

10. Pokémon. Tiny, cute little creatures who fight all your battles for you and never complain, even when you shove them into a ball the size of your palm and take all the credit. AWESOME.

CRYING IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS