In-Depth Song Analysis of... Rihanna? Again?

I'M SORRY! She's just such an easy target, bless her cotton socks. Here for your reading pleasure is my fairly anal analysis of Rihanna's Only Girl in the World.

La la la la
La la la la
La la la la

[VERSE 1]
I want you to love me, like I'm a hot guy
This is not a promising start. Firstly, telling your boy-man to love you as if you were a guy might say a little something about his true desires. Secondly, I always thought this bit was ‘like I’m a hot pie’ which, in my mind, makes more sense.

Gotta love ClipArt. 

Keep thinkin' of me, doin' what you like
Which is apparently being male. So good luck with that one

So boy forget about the world 'cause it's gon' be me and you tonight
BREAKING NEWS: Screw Global Warming, says Rihanna

I wanna make your bed for ya, then imma make you swallow your pride
Rihanna - if you do it once for him, he'll expect you to make the bed for him FOREVER. Feminism, girl!

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Oh Rihanna, my dear. Let me tell you what exactly being ‘the only girl in the world’ entails. If I were, theoretically, your boyfriend in this situation, and you were the last girl on earth, I’d whore you out to the rest of society in order to ensure the survival of the human race. So that’s what you’re asking for. Think about it a little more, love.

Like I'm the only one that's in command
But… you just told him to make you feel like the only girl in the world, so surely he’s in command… ARGHHH PARADOX

'Cause I'm the only one who understands 

How to make you feel like a man
It’s not that hard to understand. Give him some power tools and a steak.

Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only one...
This sounds a little crazy and over-possessive, but this is also coming from a girl who sang Te Amo, a song about being a little bi-curious with a Spanish moth, so maybe what she’s really saying is that she doesn’t want to be tempted by other women… Hmmm.

[VERSE 2]
Want you to take me like a thief in the night
That is, I want you break into my house, put me in a brown bag onto which you have written ‘SWAG’ and hurl me in the back of a van before driving off at full speed to an abandoned warehouse. Romantic.

With any luck, you'll get this guy, the campest burglar EVER. Mmmm, stripes are so in this season. Also he stole all your pashminas.

Hold me like a pillow, make me feel right
Just watch out that he doesn’t have dreams about eating a giant marshmallow.

Baby I'll tell you all my secrets that I'm keepin', you can come inside
Secret number one: I’m not really a hot pie

And when you enter, you ain't leavin', be my prisoner for the night
Rihanna really gets her metaphors mixed up: in this verse alone, she’s been a pillow that’s been stolen by a thief, and then becomes a jail. Another paradox! ARGH

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
"Well, me and your doctor. I might not know what ‘pulmonary embolism’ means, or what the hell a ventricle is (isn’t that what octopuses have instead of arms?) but I do know that you’d totally be into me if I were the last girl on earth. Yeahhh baby."

Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
'Cause I'm the only one who understands,
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only one...


[BRIDGE]
Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Ahaaaa. In this humungous analogical description of their relationship, the man is much like a hot air balloon. Perhaps he makes her feel lighter than air… Or perhaps he is a large, inflatable bag with ‘Virgin’ written on the side. We’ll never know.

Don't advertise it, mate.

Let me make you first
Oh make it last all night
Um... Not to be vulgar or anything... But if you make him first, it will not last all night.

Take me for a ride
Oh baby, take me high
Let me make you first
Make it last all night
Let’s just say that I thought it said ‘let me make you rise, make it last all night’. Does this say more about me or Rihanna?

[CHORUS]
Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world
Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love
Like I'm the only one who knows your heart
Only girl in the world...
Like I'm the only one that's in command
'Cause I'm the only one who understands how to make you feel like a man
Only girl in the world...
Girl in the world...
Only girl in the world...
Girl in the world...

So, what have we learnt about Rihanna today? This song is peppered with Freudian goings-on, as well as Rihanna identifying with a varied number of inanimate objects. Pillows, jails, pies… well, that one wasn’t really her own words, but I know she meant it. On top of this, we know that she has some kind of issues with control: first of all she wants to be seized, as if she were being stolen, but then she wants to be the ‘only one in command’… These are the ramblings of a psychiatric patient. Get the padded walls and straitjacket, quick! Let’s not let her make any more songs that belie the twisted soul of Rihanna. We should have known after Disturbia.

Poor girl can't even dress herself.