Because the Royal Wedding isn't complete without me commenting on it

You may hate me for this, but I am, on occasion, one of those girls who gets all mushy over weddings, pretty dresses and romance. However, the sceptic and comic in me can’t help but see a couple of flaws in this otherwise perfect union. Right, I’m going to go back to cuddling a pillow with William’s face stapled on it and singing ‘Someone Like You’ tearfully into said pillow-prince’s squishy body. Enjoy.
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10 horrific facts that Mrs Prince William will have to come to terms with

    

1. She’s marrying an inbred.

I get a little fed up with the incessant pity that many have for the poor girl, all because William used to be Studly McHandsome, yet these days he is beginning to model himself more on the Baldy McHorseface line that his father favours. So what? This is old news - we could see it from the moment he started shedding more than the Corgis and his ears started rotating away from his head. Why does no one ever mention the fact that he is one of a long line of royals more inbred than the average Norfolk farmer?

2.       Her children are doomed from the start

Not only are they the next-in-line to receive the limited gene pool from generations of inbreeding, but I’d suggest you place a large bet on the fact that they are going to look horsier than 2 horses in a horse costume. On top of that, she has pretty much no available names to give them – the tradition is to give them names of the royals of the past, but what with the Queen living forever, there are now about 100 generations currently running around with ALL THE GOOD NAMES. I can imagine Kate and Wills sitting down together with a ‘1000 Royal Baby Names’ book, poring through the contents in vain – “Henry? No. Charles? Ew, no. Albert? No. Edward? No. Let’s just start a trend, honey, I think ‘Prince Wayne’ sounds lovely.”

3.       Despite being only 29, she is going to go down in history as ‘the oldest royal bride’ 

That is, the oldest 'spinster' (ouch) to marry a future King. But come on. That’s not fair. That will make future generations picture her as some wrinkled old hag that zimmer-framed down the aisle so slowly that the Queen and Prince Charles actually died on her way up and therefore she was crowned as soon as she got there. Let’s not even mention the fact that she’s actually older than Wills. CRADLESNATCHER!

 4.       She can’t even use her degree

Just kidding! She did History of Art! Hahaha.

5.      Every lesson of history she ever took at school will now have new meaning

She’ll remember those times when she dressed up as the Queen in assembly and OH MY GOD she dressed up as her own grandmother-in-law. That’s weird.

6.       She has to live in Anglesey.

All Welsh friends, look away now. THERE IS NOTHING TO DO IN WALES. Seriously. Other than eating cheese toasties and claiming it as the national dish and listening to the dulcet sounds of a perpetually bewildered accent, the most you can do is pray that Torchwood comes back and spices up your rainy, sheepy life with a little bit of alien. Furthermore, the tourist information in Anglesey recommends above all else its thrilling model village. MODEL. VILLAGE. Although, to be fair, I’d love to see Kate and Wills officially opening the new tiny butcher’s with a tiny ribbon and tiny scissors. They’d look like Royal Godzillas.

7.       Their ‘how we met’ story is NOT one to tell the grandchildren.

“Well, it all started when I was in this fashion show. I wore a transparent dress. He fell in love with me because he could see my pants. Isn’t that romantic?”

8.       She has to be called ‘Catherine’ for the rest of her days

Being a Kate/Catherine myself, I know how irritating this can be. I only ever get called Catherine when I’m being told off or when in the presence of my grandparents. Understandably, I’ve been conditioned to feel guilty every time I am referred to by my full name. I can only imagine Kate will feel similar, and so I look forward to the reciting of the vows: “I, Prince William Bertha José Egg McMuffin Mountbatten-Windsor, take thee Catherine…” “IT WASN’T ME MUMMY, I DIDN’T EAT THE COOKIES… Er… Sorry.”

9.       Those wonderful souvenirs…

Wouldn’t you want your special day to be full of beautiful, not-at-all-tacky souvenirs? Eating off a plate with your own face on it? Knowing that somewhere out there exists a pizza with your face on it? Or seeing this woman in your nightmares, planning your “accidental” death so she can stuff Wills and snuggle up to him at night? I would.

10.   William and Kate: The Movie

Oh, what am I saying. This film is FANTASTIC. Comedy gold. Cars driving on the wrong side of the road, Wills and Kate meeting at ‘school’, William poring through a tacky looking tabloid named, creatively, ‘The Tabloid’ to see pictures of his beloved, Kate re-creating the soggy-Colin-Firth look by diving into the Thames – oh, it’s so good I cried. I’m going to give it to my children, and tell them that I WAS THERE. I grew up while this love story for the ages took place. I was making my way through school when Wills was exclaiming to his friends “she’s hot!”, or even while Kate was taking a look at Wills’, uh, crown jewels in the privacy of their student accommodation. It’s all true, folks.